Last summer I wrote a post outlining the results of an NHL Entry Draft that featured fictional players from all sorts of movies, but most prominently the Mighty Ducks series. Since that time there have been plenty of people who have asked Google questions about the Mighty Ducks. Those questions led here.

These are the answers to those questions (edited for grammar, of course).

Who is the better coach: Reggie Dunlop (from Slap Shot) or Gordon Bombay?

Reggie Dunlop wins this in a landslide, despite trying to get with a teammate’s wife.

Gordon Bombay might be one of the worst coaches to ever grace the big screen. In the original Mighty Ducks, Bombay initially attempts to teach the kids how to dive, rather than try to teach them actual usable hockey skills. He lets open racism fester in the dressing room, endorsing the ‘Oreo line’ moniker for a line with two black kids and one white kid. Plus, he lets everyone say ‘cake eater’ without any consequences. Way to preach equality, Bombay! He spends more time in the first movie trying to get with Charlie’s mom than he does coaching. This is a recurring theme with Bombay.

In D2, Bombay lets his new found fame go to his head (actually it all goes to his new slicked-back hair style) and is too busy to even marginally prepare his team for the first big show-down with Iceland. The tactics the Ducks do have, which is hardly any, Bombay readily gives up to the Team Iceland hottie, all in the name of gettin’ some. Good job, coach. This means he’s too busy to notice that his star player, Adam Banks, is seriously injured. Bombay just lets him play another game, further jeopardizing his career. He also abandons the team at one point, which almost leads to a Team USA forfeit and tournament elimination.

The best thing Bombay ever did was leave the Mighty Ducks in the third movie, which allowed them to play under a real coach who showed them how to play actual hockey. Unfortunately, his departure brought about a whole bunch of Daddy issues Charlie Conway was effectively avoiding.

How badly was Adam Banks hurt? 

Banks had his wrist viciously slashed against Iceland after scoring a goal, but manages to finish the game and play the next (thanks to a negligent Coach Bombay). Bombay bars him from playing in the semi-final so there’s a definite cause for concern, but considering he’s back by the final it couldn’t have been broken - unless Coach Bombay shot him up with painkillers (which we’re not ruling out). It’s likely just sprained.

It’s amazing that Bombay never actually sends Banks to see a doctor. Oh, just try rotating your stick, that’s good enough for Dr. Bombay. No need to get an X-ray, you’re only the most important player on the team.

Adam Banks could never be captain. 

This statement offends me. I’ll readily admit that Banks was initially a little petulant when he’s told he has to play for District-5, but once he actually joins the team he’s all business – he just wants to play hockey. He’s able to play through overbearing defences designed solely to stop him and still scores tons of goals. He also scores clutch goals in every movie. He plays through injury and is just the ultimate player throughout all three Mighty Ducks movies. He's a leader by example and the true Captain of the Mighty Ducks.

The myth of Charlie Conway’s supreme captaincy needs to stop. Here’s a player who quits on the team in D3 and is super moody the whole time just because his buddy Coach Bombay isn’t with the team. On the team’s first skate he leads them in another rodeo practice, explaining that this is just the way the Ducks practice (umm, how about you actually work on playing hockey). He openly clashes with the coach throughout the movie and just assumes he’ll be the captain.

It’s important to remember Charlie was brutal in the first movie and only redeemed himself by scoring the game-winning penalty shot. Amazingly, he was actually worse in D2, scoring only one measly assist. It’s not like he plays defence during this time either; he only learns to backcheck half-way through D3.

Pfft, Captain Duck.

Why was Adam Banks known as a cake eater? 

Well, racism, basically. Cake eater is a term for a rich, suburban white kid. The term refers to someone so rich they can have their cake and eat it too.

Dwayne Robertson jumps off the bench to lasso an opponent, what sort of suspension does that warrant?

Anytime a player leaves the bench to join a fight an automatic 10 game suspension is assessed. You have to think he’d also get another game or two tacked on for bringing a foreign object onto the ice and using it against an opponent. So I think he ends up with an 11-12 game suspension for that one. But we won't know for sure until Matt Cooke tries it this season.

Why did D3 suck? 

D3 was a let-down for one simple reason: the trap. The dead-puck era was just starting to strangle the life out of the NHL and the trap was so pervasive in hockey that it actually worked its way into D3. Seriously. The major hockey plot line in D3 was that the Ducks couldn’t actually play defence and it was the coach’s goal to teach them defensive responsibility. Are you enthralled yet?

Did the writers think we were Lou Lamoriello’s children?

There’s no way this plot line was going to work. We love the first two Mighty Ducks movies because of wacky shenanigans and unrealistic hockey. We don’t want to see a gritty 1-0 victory.

Plus, shit gets real in D3. Hans dies! I remember sitting in the movie theatre as a child and crying. I may have got a little too into these movies (uhhh, as you might have already known).

Why did Goldberg become a defenceman? 

Julie Gaffney is clearly superior and Goldberg actually blocks more shots as a defenceman than he ever did as a goalie.

If Goldberg's master plan to get Julie fat and sluggish worked for the entire movie then it might be a different story and Goldberg would have never left the crease.

What is the ultimate Mighty Ducks line? 

W: Charlie Conway
C: Adam Banks
W: Guy Germaine
D: Fulton Reed
D: Russ Tyler
G: Julie Gaffney

This line has everything: Banks is the pure goal scorer; Guy is a nice complementary offensive player who can play with anyone and really do anything on the ice; Charlie becomes the defacto defensive player on the line that allows Banks and Guy to do their thing.

The defence is a little suspect, but we’re going to pour on the offense with this line. Fulton has the cannon shot everyone will have to respect and he also is a physically intimidating presence that teams can’t ignore. Tyler has the knuckle puck, and if he’s paired with Reed he should actually have some time to wind up.

Obviously, the goalie has to be The Cat. I know Goldberg is a good character player and he’s good for the dressing room, but he has no real talent as a goaltender. We’ll take the actual goalie.

Why doesn’t Charlie have to wear a helmet during the penalty shot in the Mighty Ducks? 

So we can see his flowing hockey hair! We're trying to sell movie tickets here, folks.

If you have any other questions regarding the Mighty Ducks movies you can send them here. I fancy myself as somewhat of an expert on fictional hockey.