Brian Burke saved my life.

At a very dark time in my life he stepped forward and opened a door for me that I thought would forever remain closed. With a simple act of loving and accepting his son, Brian Burke gave me the courage to live.

During my time at university, my friends Jake and Tom wrote a hockey version of Space Jam titled "World Heroes". It was so much more than that simple description, however.

It was a big hit among our friend group and made its 1500-word debut on Paul Maurice's Wikipedia page, where it lasted a few days before someone took it down. It was a constant topic of conversation, an endless source of hilarity, and even the inspiration for Halloween costumes. It eventually spawned a Facebook group that surprisingly attracted people who weren't in our friend group and consisted of people arguing over how badass a fictional Paul Maurice really was. He was much more badass than that fictional Chuck Norris, for the record.

I recently found the original story on my computer and just had to share it. Now, this is a period piece. There are players that made the alien-battling squad that seem laughable today, but it was written around 2006, so keep that in mind. Also, the roster was almost constantly changing and tongue-in-cheek at times; for example, at one point Roger Federer was playing defence. So, if you argue that so-and-so should have made it, then you're missing the point.

Aside from some minor grammatical changes, the story is the same as it was originally written.

Welcome to the world, new baby. Lucky you, you won your first race. And even luckier for you, you have two loving parents, ones that just happen to love the Toronto Maple Leafs. Yes, the team that hasn't won a Stanley Cup in 45 years. Man, news travels fast these days. Well, don't you worry, because any parent who truly loves their child is going to brainwash them into loving the Leafs regardless.

Plus, there are plenty of reasons why the Leafs will win a Stanley Cup in your lifetime. Here, I wrote them down.

After hockey fans became briefly optimistic over the owners' surprise proposal, the air was let totally out of the balloon once it was made clear that it wasn't an invitation for negotiation, it was an ultimatum.

We know it wasn't an offer to negotiate because the NHLPA gave three different counter-offers, all of which were flat out rejected. It was basically a Choose Your Own Adventure proposal.

Here's some background information if you are too old and never had the opportunity to read a Choose Your Own Adventure book. Or if you are too young, which would mean they have stopped making them. That would be a true injustice. 

Choose Your Own Adventure books were great. You read a story until the main character had a crucial decision to make. At that point you became the protagonist and you got to choose what adventure to lead. You skipped to a certain page based on the path you chose. Sometimes your decision would lead to a happy ending, while other times it would result in you being eaten by a pride of lions. It wasn't for the faint of heart. Luckily, if you kept your finger on the "decision page" you could easily go back and justify to yourself that you meant to pick "don't open the creepy cellar door". Other times you died either way. It was fun!

It's not well known, but there is actually a Choose Your Own Adventure: CBA Negotiations book. It's your chance to get into the thick of the negotiations and help save the NHL season. Watch out for traps!

It is late July 2012. The scene opens in Brian Burke's office at the ACC. The Leafs haven't made the playoffs since 2004 and have finished in the bottom third of the league in each season of Burke's three-and-a-half year reign as GM.

He is sitting at his desk, tie untied, empty bottle of whisky in the trash can, as he looks at a sheet of paper titled "Toronto Maple Leafs Roster, 2012-13". It is making him sad. The margins of the page are filled with the names Ryan Getzlaf and Corey Perry, written over and over again in loopy handwriting, and set inside the centre of a heart. Burke also has scraps of paper on his desk with the words, "Will you be my No. 1 centre? Check yes or no. Sincerely, your secret admirer." He will be mailing them soon.

Burke takes a break from his current predicament to fondly remember his days in Anaheim. Winning. Truculence. No Mike Komisarek. Suddenly, Cliff Fletcher bursts through the door.

FLETCHER: It's your team, Burkie, something has got to be done about your team! Read this!

Fletcher hands Burke a newspaper from 2006. On the front page is a picture of Bryan McCabe and JFJ smiling and shaking hands.

BURKE: "The Toronto Maple Leafs have signed Bryan McCabe to a 5-year, $28.75 million contract, General Manager John Ferguson Jr. announced last night." Fletch, I already know about Bryan McCabe. Why are you making me read this garbage.

FLETCHER: You see, this one event starts a chain reaction that completely destroys the entire franchise. I already went further ahead into time to see what else happens. I backtracked everything to this one event, that's why we have to prevent this incident from ever happening.

Burke looks at Fletcher like he has two heads.

BURKE: Hold on, how are we supposed to stop something that has already happened?

FLETCHER: I did it. I finally did it. People have been wondering what I've been doing on the team payroll all these years, and I finally did it.

BURKE: Uh, did what?

FLETCHER: I built a time machine, Burkie—out of a Vespa.

Growing a beard in the playoffs is a long-standing tradition in the NHL. But thanks to genetics, not everyone can grow the prototypical Lanny MacDonald beard. Some are left working with what they have, which in some cases (Sidney Crosby) is thinner than your socially awkward 12-year-old neighbour's unintentional dirt stache.

Others may have a lot of hair, but no idea how to style their declaration of manhood. But thanks to this handy styling guide, players no longer have to worry about what to do with their facial hair. Just set the electric razor to trim and happy styling! (But seriously don't shave your playoff beard, it is 100% unacceptable).

Special hat-tip to NHL Beardoffs for many of the great images. Check them out to follow the progress of some of your favourite beards throughout the playoffs.

Hat tip to my friend Mike for the excellent Photoshop.

With an uncertain future on Long Island, the Islanders, and owner Charles Wang, are looking at all available options to keep the once-great franchise in the greater New York area. It’s almost certain that the Islanders will leave Nassau Coliseum when their lease expires in 2015 because it is a horribly outdated excuse for an arena that resembles a poorly lit barn.

There are preliminary discussions between another Long Island county, Suffolk, and Charles Wang to determine if the Isles could fit there. Others suggest that the Islanders could move to either Queens or Brooklyn. I don’t know anything about Queens, except that Kevin James drives a mail route there, so I can’t vouch for its viability, but I do know that Brooklyn is absolutely perfect for the Islanders – at least culturally.

I’m totally unconcerned with tonight’s NHL entry draft. Why? If you didn’t know, the Leafs made a somewhat controversial trade that removed them from not only the first two rounds of this year’s draft, but the first round of next year’s draft as well. Watching Boston go up to the podium to pick second isn’t what I call enjoyable television.

But there is a draft that I am very interested in. It did not receive much hype, so not many people knew about it. That’s what happens when your league doesn’t have a major TV deal in place. This past weekend I watched the most riveting live draft that I’ve ever seen. You may not have caught it since not many people subscribe to TSN3.

The draft in question is none other than the 2010 Fictional Hockey Player Entry Draft (you read that correctly).

Toronto may have traded their 2010 and 2011 first round picks in the NHL Entry Draft, but they still have their first round pick for the 2010 Fictional Hockey Player Entry Draft. The draft order was determined in the same way the normal draft was. That means Toronto held the second overall pick.

Here’s a running diary of the madness that ensued.