"how happy is the sportless vestal's lot
the world forgetting, by the world forgot
eternal sunshine of the sportless mind
each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned"

- adapted from "Eloisa to Abelard," by Alexander Pope

This season is dead. Officially killed on the March 27 by the Carolina Hurricanes in front of a sparse group of fans with nothing better to do than spend a couple hundred dollars on something that guaranteed no joy. A group with more money than sense. A group that saw itself reflected on the ice in many ways, but none more fitting than in apathy.

We gather here today to say goodbye to the 2011-12 Toronto Maple Leafs, a team that started with so much promise, but one which ends like all the others.

The first ever joke on the Internet. Still painfully relevant.

A season that started off with so much promise is over. The remaining 13 games are a formality, a cruel joke to Leafs fans who believed this team would truly contend for a playoff spot this season.

The season was massacred by a classic Leafs death spiral that has seen the team win twice in the last 16 games, earning themselves a total of six points in the process. All hope is gone. The season is over. If you haven't checked out yet I admire your resolve.

There's a lot of negativity surrounding the team right now and I try my very best to stay optimistic, but sometimes it's nice to wallow in some self pity and soak in negativity. Think of this as an exercise in letting go of some negative feelings this team has caused you. Or use this to get sadder and let out a good cry. After that you won't feel anything anymore!

I present to you the Definitive Depressing Post-Lockout Moments.

I didn’t want to write this monthly recap. There’s nothing good to talk about as evidenced by the titled. It was a horrific month.

People are jumping off the Leafs bandwagon at an alarming pace. It’s the 1980s all over again. Miraculously, I’m still hanging on. The Leafs are trying their hardest to break me, but, so far, I’m still kicking. It’s like I’m on a train doomed to crash. Instead of scrambling to get off I’ve just buckled myself in. Fuck it, might as well get a good seat for this baby.

Click here to know how I feel.

I’m going to keep this short. Remember when I thought the Leafs saved their season? I'm like those oblivious housewives in Mad Men who are rampantly cheated on. Delude, delude, delude.

The Leafs haven’t hit rock bottom because they keep falling further and further. Just when you think it can’t get any worse, it does.

In one of the more depressing psychology experiments I’ve ever read dogs were given electric shocks. One group of dogs are able to end their shock by pressing a lever. The lever for the other group of dogs has no effect. The dogs were next tested in a box-like apparatus in which the dogs could escape the electric shocks by jumping over a low partition. The dogs that previously "learned" that nothing they did had any effect on the shocks simply lay down passively and whined. Even though they could have easily escaped the shocks, the dogs didn't try.

I think I’m just going to go lay down.